What I want to talk about today is the phenomenon of egoic resistance. That self-critical, self-doubting voice that tries to stop us whenever we are on our way to make some positive changes in our lives. Thanks to my increased self-awareness that resulted from many months of meditation, I no longer identify with that voice – but it is still very much in business, questioning my every effort to break out of those old dysfunctional patterns. Which is one of the reasons I am not making as much progress with this blog as I would like. Every time I start thinking about creating a new entry, there it is – that disgruntled mental whisper of “Who do you think you are?” and “What makes you think anyone cares what you have to say?” Or “Do you really want some random acquaintances – like coworkers, for example – to find you online and judge this imperfect attempt at sharing your personal journey?” So instead of letting that voice silence me completely, I decided to write about it and share what it says. Just… approaching its judgmental attitude without judgement.;-) It is a part of me, after all. I know where it comes from, I acknowledge it, and I forgive myself for getting tripped up by it sometimes. And I remind myself that it’s OK to feel uncomfortable, uncertain or confused. It is OK to breathe through it and move on. I know there is a more confident, more courageous version of myself waiting on the other side. I really want to meet her – and so I need to keep going.
Which reminds me of the dream I had a few years ago, before I got started on this path of self-discovery. The dream of meeting my older self. A wrinkled, but serene ancient woman who lovingly touched my face and spoke some words of wisdom; words which, perhaps unsurprisingly, I could not remember when I woke up. Perhaps I just wasn’t ready for her message. But the energy she emanated was very positive, calming and comforting, and the unspoken vibe I got from that encounter was that “everything is going to be OK”. So I will think about her now whenever that critical inner voice tries to block me on my path. I will remember that serene expression of inner peace and fulfillment that graced her wizened countenance.;-) This is who I need to become, and I am on my way there right now. Yes, there will be uncertainty, self-doubt and perhaps a few wrong turns along the way. But I will get there; I will arrive at the point of knowing that I have discovered and fulfilled my destiny. I will be at peace. So it is OK to feel unsure now. This too shall pass. Learning to trust your inner guidance can be tricky after you’ve spent decades effectively shutting it down. The good news is it never goes away. It can be rediscovered and reconnected with at any time. If it were otherwise, I wouldn’t be here. So that is my positive reminder for today. I am here because my higher self knows that I have valuable insights to share, and eventually my rational mind will accept that, too. Until then, I will keep honing my intuitive skills and recognizing/questioning my egoic resistance whenever it comes up. And, of course, breathing deeply, listening to my Holosync tracks and “letting everything that happens be OK” (to quote Bill Harris). Including the fact that I am not making as much progress with this blog as I would like. 😉