Once again, I struggle to express what’s on my mind – because it seems to be in a state of utter chaos. It feels like my brain circuits are overheating. This “personal growth” thing that I have embraced in order to lift myself out of the swamp of emotional negativity in which I spent the first four decades of my life… well, it seems to have a weird side effect of making you feel worse even as you feel better, because it makes you realize how much farther you still have to go before you get to where you CAN get to, and where you never ever thought it could be possible for YOU to get to before you got started on this journey in the first place. Am I making any sense? I seem to have hit some sort of wall, made up of my own inner resistance to the concept of being the creator of your own life experience. I KNOW it’s valid, it makes perfect logical sense, it’s empowering and groundbreaking and generally awesome; and yet, a part of me just feels utterly flattened by the implicit responsibility, and wants to hide under the carpet pretending we’ve never heard of the entire thing. Because it’s so much easier to stay stuck in your old, familiar rut, blaming “fate” or “circumstance” for how much it sucks. And once it REALLY, TRULY dawns on you that you have created said circumstance yourself, and can therefore undo it, the egoic mind FREAKS OUT. It starts running around in circles, screaming: SO WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW??? I’ve been in this sort of “inner freakout” state for the past year or two, if not longer – and I think it’s getting worse. I just CAN’T DEAL anymore. I think the problem is that my level of consciousness has expanded way beyond my ego’s capacity to handle change. In other words, I’ve run so far ahead of myself, I need to either pull back or go insane. Except I don’t think you CAN pull back. The only thing you CAN do is overhaul your entire life, so that your outer reality matches the inner one – and that, quite understandably, scares me to death.
Some famous online transformation coaches tell you to imagine your ideal life, to visualize it, infuse the vision with emotion etc. – so that you embody the energetic frequency of that imaginary reality, and thereby call it into being. Well… I have never actually DONE that. Not because I didn’t think it would work, but because I didn’t DARE. Just asking myself what that ideal life would be causes some massive psychological blockage to come to the surface; as in, Who do you think you are to imagine you CAN have a perfect life? If you could, why would you be living the one you have now? What makes you think you have the courage to do what it takes to get there? And so on, and so forth. The funny thing is, I used to love to fantasize – back when I wasn’t able to recognize any connection between “dreams” and “reality”. Using my vivid imagination to picture beautiful places and experiences was a form of escapism; never for a moment did I believe any of those wonderful things I was imagining could have materialized for me, no matter what I did – and so it felt “safe” to dream about them. Now that I understand the power of our imagination to create our reality – but also the power of our subconscious beliefs to block us – my creative inspiration seems to have run dry. In a way, I shy from the responsibility of envisioning anything; either because it might come true, or because it might not. Or because I might have to DO something in order to bring it to life, rather than just sit back and fantasize forever. I used to say I was a thinker, rather than a doer; which sounds like a convenient excuse for a life of inertia, to be honest. It’s just another story I’ve been telling myself, to justify my lack of initiative in… well, anything. I also used to say: In an ideal world, I would be/do XYZ. Which creates another convenient excuse, because obviously the world will never be ideal. It takes a lot of courage to dare to STRIVE for your ideal life, in a non-ideal world; knowing you might never achieve it, but risking losing the comfort of your old, familiar rut in the process. I was always drawn to the THEORY of spiritual growth; but now I have realized it actually involves some PRACTICE, as in DOING new and different things with yourself and your life… and, well, it seems like I wasn’t expecting that. 😉
To summarize it all in simplest of terms, it feels like I have just crested a tiny hillock and saw the huge mountain looming in the distance – and I used to think that the hillock WAS the mountain. And, quite frankly, today I just want to sit down at the foot of said mountain and cry, because I am so tired. But the one thing I am trying to do differently is to simply acknowledge this feeling, stay with it, instead of trying to distract myself or numb it down. Yes, I am scared, exhausted and overwhelmed. And it’s OK. It will pass. I acknowledge that my egoic desire to be oh-so-evolved has backfired and bitten me in the rear, and it’s not pretty. Because if said desire were purely altruistic, coming from a higher place, I would have nothing to be afraid of. Someone said you can only act either out of love, or out of fear; never both at the same time. The fear is what motivates your ego, and the love is what motivates your soul. I am AWARE of having a Soul that is much greater and wiser than my ego; however, at this point in time I still lack the capacity to make the ego shut up and stop chattering compulsively over what the Soul is trying to say. And that’s OK, too. For now. Instead of beating myself up, I am going to stay with it, and breathe, and let it pass. *breathes*