Mother’s Day Musings

Someone wisely said – I forget who right now – that as you change, your relationships also change, whether or not the other person has any conscious intention of improving the ways you relate to one another. Sometimes all it takes is one person doing a little bit of work on themselves… and everything shifts. A great case in point – of which I am reminded today, for obvious reasons – would be my relationship with my mother. I still find it hard to believe how deeply it has transformed over the past few years. Of course, I am not the only one who has changed – but I now believe that the main obstacle on the way to its improvement has been my own inner resistance… my own emotional attachment to the idea of being misunderstood and ill-prepared for life as a result of her dubious parenting skills. Ironically, I embraced this judgmental attitude towards her despite claiming that she damaged me so much precisely because of how judgmental she was. Yes, it is true that for many years my self-esteem was in shreds, because she tended to criticize everything about me. However, for some reason I failed to see that being judgmental right back at her only perpetuated this pattern of mutual resentment and separation. I failed to see that in order to forgive her, I needed to be able to forgive MYSELF first. And since I blamed pretty much all my problems on her, I was blind to the concept of my own inner power to change – as well as my own responsibility to do so. And so, in order to see her differently, I had to completely let go of using her as an excuse for all my shortcomings. I had to realize that, at this point in my life, she was only causing harm as far as I was clinging to the idea of having been harmed by her. It may seem like a subtle shift, but “something that happened in the past” is quite different from “a crucial part of my identity”. “A crucial part” being more like “a crutch” in this case. I think, on some level, I was afraid that if let go of that crutch, I would suddenly have to become a strong and capable adult, pretty much overnight, and there would no longer be an excuse for any mistakes I might make. And so, through this attitude, I was doing to myself exactly what I had accused HER of doing: expecting myself to be perfect, infallible, performing life in precise alignment to some preconceived specifications. That was the key: realizing that I was the one doing it, not her, or anyone else. I had entirely taken over the task – sometime in my teens, probably, if not earlier – while still blaming her for the results. And, of course, feeling oh-so-bitter and indignant that she didn’t even seem to know what my problem was.

It wasn’t an overnight shift, obviously. It was subtle and gradual, but it started a few months after I began a consistent meditation practice (with my Holosync tracks). At some point I realized that I COULD, indeed, become a strong and capable adult, and that I no longer needed to lean on that crutch of resentment that was poisoning my relationship with mom. And that as soon as I let go of it, she didn’t seem quite so judgmental anymore. Or that it didn’t bother me so much, even if she was. But mostly she wasn’t, simply because I stopped punishing her in covert and subtle ways, and we could both relax.

We can have a normal conversation now, without all those layers of inner censorship and nervous skirting around sensitive topics. It is no longer such a painful chore to call her up on Mother’s Day. My body no longer tenses up at the sound of her voice, I no longer stiffen and cringe inwardly when she hugs me, I can even spend a few hours in the same room with her and NOT start feeling like I’m about to suffocate. I still remember how indignant I felt a few years ago, when a good friend of mine accused me of “demonizing” my relationship with mom… but that is in fact what I was doing, and the one most harmed by it was myself. It seems so obvious now, I’m almost embarrassed to admit how long it’s taken me to see it. But precisely because it’s taken so long, I feel the need to share those insights, just in case someone benefits from them and is able to speed up the process. 😉

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone! 🙂

Here I Am

What I want to talk about today is the phenomenon of egoic resistance. That self-critical, self-doubting voice that tries to stop us whenever we are on our way to make some positive changes in our lives. Thanks to my increased self-awareness that resulted from many months of meditation, I no longer identify with that voice – but it is still very much in business, questioning my every effort to break out of those old dysfunctional patterns. Which is one of the reasons I am not making as much progress with this blog as I would like. Every time I start thinking about creating a new entry, there it is – that disgruntled mental whisper of “Who do you think you are?” and “What makes you think anyone cares what you have to say?” Or “Do you really want some random acquaintances – like coworkers, for example – to find you online and judge this imperfect attempt at sharing your personal journey?” So instead of letting that voice silence me completely, I decided to write about it and share what it says. Just… approaching its judgmental attitude without judgement.;-) It is a part of me, after all. I know where it comes from, I acknowledge it, and I forgive myself for getting tripped up by it sometimes. And I remind myself that it’s OK to feel uncomfortable, uncertain or confused. It is OK to breathe through it and move on. I know there is a more confident, more courageous version of myself waiting on the other side. I really want to meet her – and so I need to keep going.

Which reminds me of the dream I had a few years ago, before I got started on this path of self-discovery. The dream of meeting my older self. A wrinkled, but serene ancient woman who lovingly touched my face and spoke some words of wisdom; words which, perhaps unsurprisingly, I could not remember when I woke up. Perhaps I just wasn’t ready for her message. But the energy she emanated was very positive, calming and comforting, and the unspoken vibe I got from that encounter was that “everything is going to be OK”. So I will think about her now whenever that critical inner voice tries to block me on my path. I will remember that serene expression of inner peace and fulfillment that graced her wizened countenance.;-) This is who I need to become, and I am on my way there right now. Yes, there will be uncertainty, self-doubt and perhaps a few wrong turns along the way. But I will get there; I will arrive at the point of knowing that I have discovered and fulfilled my destiny. I will be at peace. So it is OK to feel unsure now. This too shall pass. Learning to trust your inner guidance can be tricky after you’ve spent decades effectively shutting it down. The good news is it never goes away. It can be rediscovered and reconnected with at any time. If it were otherwise, I wouldn’t be here. So that is my positive reminder for today. I am here because my higher self knows that I have valuable insights to share, and eventually my rational mind will accept that, too. Until then, I will keep honing my intuitive skills and recognizing/questioning my egoic resistance whenever it comes up.  And, of course, breathing deeply, listening to my Holosync tracks and “letting everything that happens be OK” (to quote Bill Harris). Including the fact that I am not making as much progress with this blog as I would like. 😉


The Journey Begins

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life, and you will call it fate.”

          Carl Gustav Jung


I am starting this blog with an intention of documenting my personal journey of expanding my consciousness and transcending self-imposed limitations. The journey began a few years ago, but it took some time before I was ready to share it on a public forum. In fact, I’m not quite sure that I am ready now – but one of the many things I am committed to doing differently in my life these days is my relationship with perfectionism. Namely, I am determined not to let it stop me from trying new things anymore, like it has done it the past. And so this blog will happen, whether I have achieved a state of perfect readiness for it or not.;-)

By way of introduction, I am at the point in life when – according to Dr. Christiane Northrup, whose wisdom I greatly admire – a woman tends to “meet her soul” for the first time (I may be paraphrasing, but that’s the essence of what I heard her say in an online interview). Some call it the onset of menopause. I prefer to call it spiritual awakening.;-) I think it’s been long in the making, and I credit a number of influences that showed up in my life in recent years for shaping the experience into what it has become. It would take forever to name each one of those influences, or try to list them in the order of importance… so I am only going to mention the two major ones right now. The first one, chronologically, is the Holosync Brainwave Entrainment program created by the late Bill Harris of Centerpointe Research Institute. I started the program in the summer of 2015, and have so far completed the first four levels (there are twelve levels in total). It would be an understatement to say that my life has significantly improved as a result. But I will not go into more detail in this introductory post. I only want to give credit where it’s due, as far as how I even happen to be on this journey that I am here to document. The other major influence I want to mention is Andrrea Hess and her Soul Realignment course, which I embarked upon in the fall of 2017. This program literally offers one a way to “meet one’s soul”, through accessing the Akashic Records and discovering how various karmic patterns shape our lives. Again, to call it fascinating and life-enriching is a huge understatement.;-) But for now, let it suffice to say that I have completed my Level One certification, and am qualified to offer a basic Soul Realignment reading to anyone interested. It is not the main purpose of this blog, and I am currently not making my living doing this (yet, perhaps?…) – but it feels crucial to mention, if only to practice “coming out of the closet” about my interest in spiritual growth. I don’t talk about it much in everyday life, mainly due to the fact that my everyday life is largely devoid of people who share those pursuits. Since my entire outlook on nearly everything has changed so much in the past few years, I feel like there is hardly anyone around me who can keep up.;-) I need to make new connections – and I hope that this blog will eventually become one of the many ways to do it. So if you can relate to anything I have said so far, please let me know. 🙂

I am not a WordPress expert, by the way – I am learning to use this platform as I go along, treating this as yet another exercise in letting go of perfectionism.;-) Also, the time I can devote to it is currently rather limited, for various mundane reasons I will not go into at the moment. Which is another way of saying that I may not update as often as I would like. Carving out the time to pursue my spiritual passions and blog about them is a work in progress – like much of everything else for me right now. In short, I am a work in progress, and I am very much looking forward to sharing the journey as it unfolds. So if you are reading this, consider yourself invited to follow along…